Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Keeping myself in sight

Recently I had a friend ask me if I was ok, and he seemed really concerned about me.  I looked at him like he was crazy; of course I was ok, what could he possibly be talking about?  He said that recently I've been really quiet, and he wanted to make sure I didn't lose myself.  I'm also a wife and a person; he doesn't want to see me lost in my "Mommy" identity.

The truth is, I just don't have anything to contribute to most conversations.  I'm a stay at home mom and all my time is spent with C, so unless the conversation is centered around diapers, spit-up, naps, or breast feeding, I'm at a loss.  I don't want to be "that mom" who talks only about her kids all day long, and thinks that everyone else in the world is just as fascinated by their antics as she is.  C is the center of my world; I love him, I think he's the cutest, smartest, funniest, most handsome, genius baby that's ever been born.  But, I know that not everyone feels that way.  Nobody wants to hear baby talk all day long (some people like my husband and C's aunts and grandmas have a much higher tolerance), and that's all I have to give.

I suppose that I have lost some of my old personality with being a mom, but I feel I'm a better person for it.  I'm more patient, calmer, more confident, a better listener, etc.  I don't really miss the "old" me because I'm so happy in my role as a mom; I feel like I have a purpose now.

I feel bad because I know that so many stay at home moms get burned out and feel like they need to reclaim their old selves; I haven't gotten there yet and C is almost 4 months old.  It's like that burnout is waiting for me and it's only a matter of time before it hits.  I try and maintain a sense of balance so that doesn't happen, but I don't know.  Am I just lucky? Am I naive to think I may avoid severe burnout?  Am I wrong for letting my "Mommy" identity take over and pushing everything else aside for C?

I feel like there will be plenty of time when C is older and more independent for me to "find myself" and do things on my own, have hobbies, etc.  Right now, he depends on me to be there for everything, and it's the least I can do to be the best for him.  Right?

By the way, here's us:
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